HOME
Compare Memberships | Employment |  contact us | site map  
Forums  

ipod
Become a member now, have fun, and win prizes.

Go Back   Forums > OFF TOPIC LOUNGE > Parenting

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-18-2008, 12:21 AM   #1
John
Member
Points: 269, Level: 5 Points: 269, Level: 5 Points: 269, Level: 5
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
 
John's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 48
Credits: 2,937
Default Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting

Are you constantly searching the latest on parenting to make sure you are doing everything exactly right? It's time to relax. Temple University psychologist, Laurence Steinberg, says that perfect parents just don’t exist.

“Most parents are pretty good parents,” says Steinberg, “But I’ve never met a parent who is perfect 100 percent of the time. We all can improve our batting average.”

Sports analogies are useful to Steinberg, the concept of the book came from his own desire to improve his golf game. “I was reading, probably for the 10th time, Harvey Penick’s Little Red Golf Book,” he says. “It is built around a series of very short essays that cover very basic principles.

“As I was reading it, I was thinking that this might be a good way to teach people how to be better parents.” Steinberg, the Distinguished University Professor and the Laura Carnell Professor of Psychology at Temple, wrote the newly released The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting (Simon & Schuster). This easy to follow how-to book uses the formula that works for golf to improve parenting. He believes it is the perfect format for today's busy parents.

Here is a quick overview of the Ten Basic Principles:

1. What you do matters.
“Tell yourself that every day. How you treat and respond to your child should come from a knowledgeable, deliberate sense of what you want to accomplish. Always ask yourself: What effect will my decision have on my child?”

2. You cannot be too loving.
“When it comes to genuine expressions of warmth and affection, you cannot love your child too much. It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love. What we often think of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result of showing a child too much love. It is usually the consequence of giving a child things in place of love—things like leniency, lowered expectations or material possessions.”

3. Be involved in your child’s life.
"Being an involved parent takes time and is hard work, and it often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities. It frequently means sacrificing what you want to do for what your child needs you to do. Be there mentally as well as physically.”

4. Adapt your parenting to fit your child.
“Make sure your parenting keeps pace with your child’s development. You may wish you could slow down or freeze-frame your child’s life, but this is the last thing he wants. You may be fighting getting older, but all he wants is to grow up. The same drive for independence that is making your three-year-old say ‘no’ all the time is what’s motivating him to be toilet trained. The same intellectual growth spurt that is making your 13-year-old curious and inquisitive in the classroom also is making her argumentative at the dinner table.”

5. Establish and set rules.
“If you don’t manage your child’s behavior when he is young, he will have a hard time learning how to manage himself when he is older and you aren’t around. Any time of the day or night, you should always be able to answer these three questions: Where is my child? Who is with my child? What is my child doing? The rules your child has learned from you are going to shape the rules he applies to himself.”

6. Foster your child’s independence.
“Setting limits helps your child develop a sense of self-control. Encouraging independence helps her develop a sense of self-direction. To be successful in life, she’s going to need both. Accepting that it is normal for children to push for autonomy is absolutely key to effective parenting. Many parents mistakenly equate their child’s independence with rebelliousness or disobedience. Children push for independence because it is part of human nature to want to feel in control rather than to feel controlled by someone else.”

7. Be consistent.
“If your rules vary from day to day in an unpredictable fashion, or if you enforce them only intermittently, your child’s misbehavior is your fault, not his. Your most important disciplinary tool is consistency. Identify your non-negotiables. The more your authority is based on wisdom and not on power, the less your child will challenge it.”

8. Avoid harsh discipline.
“Of all the forms of punishment that parents use, the one with the worst side effects is physical punishment. Children who are spanked, hit or slapped are more prone to fighting with other children. They are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes with others.”

9. Explain your rules and decisions.
“Good parents have expectations they want their child to live up to. Generally, parents overexplain to young children and underexplain to adolescents. What is obvious to you may not be evident to a 12-year-old. He doesn’t have the priorities, judgment or experience that you have.”

10. Treat your child with respect.
“The best way to get respectful treatment from your child is to treat him respectfully. You should give your child the same courtesies you would give to anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he is speaking to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can. Children treat others the way their parents treat them. Your relationship with your child is the foundation for her relationships with others.”

There is no guarantee that following these guidelines will result in perfect parents... remember, there is no such thing!

“Raising children is not something we think of as especially scientific,” says Steinberg. “But parenting is one of the most well-researched areas in the entire field of social science. It has been studied for 75 years, and the findings have remained remarkably consistent over time."

“The advice in the book is based on what scientists who study parenting have learned from decades of systematic research involving hundreds of thousands of families. What I’ve done is to synthesize and communicate what the experts have learned in a language that non-experts can understand.”

Good parenting, says Steinberg, is “parenting that fosters psychological adjustment—elements like honesty, empathy, self-reliance, kindness, cooperation, self-control and cheerfulness.

“Good parenting is parenting that helps children succeed in school,” he continues. “It promotes the development of intellectual curiosity, motivation to learn and desire to achieve. It deters children from anti-social behavior, delinquency, and drug and alcohol use. And good parenting is parenting that helps protect children against the development of anxiety, depression, eating disorders and other types of psychological distress.”

“There is no more important job in any society than raising children, and there is no more important influence on how children develop than their parents.”

Steinberg's other books include You and Your Adolescent: A Parent’s Guide for Ages 10 to 20 (HarperCollins, 1997), Crossing Paths: How Your Child’s Adolescence Triggers Your Own Crisis (Simon & Schuster, 1994), and Beyond the Classroom: Why School Reform Has Failed and What Parents Need to Do (Simon & Schuster, 1996).

Source: Newswise/Temple University
John is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2008, 12:49 AM   #2
SawBo
Junior Member
Points: 90, Level: 1 Points: 90, Level: 1 Points: 90, Level: 1
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Everett - South Seattle
Posts: 18
Send a message via AIM to SawBo Send a message via Yahoo to SawBo
Credits: 1,020
Default Re: Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting

I believe #8 is false, my parents used hitting ( a little harder than most) as a form of discipline, but it made me realize at this age that when you still love them even with that set "fear" of parents in you. That's when I learned to abide by the rules when young, cause that fear factor kept me in line. BTW it's been proven that kids that play sports throughout their lives are usually have better lives.
SawBo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2008, 12:54 AM   #3
John
Member
Points: 269, Level: 5 Points: 269, Level: 5 Points: 269, Level: 5
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
 
John's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 48
Credits: 2,937
Default Re: Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting

Quote:
Originally Posted by SawBo View Post
I believe #8 is false, my parents used hitting ( a little harder than most) as a form of discipline, but it made me realize at this age that when you still love them even with that set "fear" of parents in you. That's when I learned to abide by the rules when young, cause that fear factor kept me in line. BTW it's been proven that kids that play sports throughout their lives are usually have better lives.
I think that is very true with Asian. My parents were very harsh with me too and I think I turned out okay. The thing is we have to be careful with our kids when it come to harsh punishment here in the US. They can be taken away and put into foster homes for that.

Also, I think there there are better alternative to harsh punishment at that could lead to lack of self esteem, and the fear of making mistake. I think it good to first explained our child rather than punishing them harshly.
John is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2008, 05:46 PM   #4
ngan27
Member
Points: 232, Level: 4 Points: 232, Level: 4 Points: 232, Level: 4
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
 
ngan27's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 40
Credits: 1,674
Default Re: Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting

I have 2 boys and I must admit it is difficult to raise kids here in the US. You can not spang them even or you run the risk of them being taken away by child services and you put in jail for child abuse.

I read a case where there was a teenager who got very mad at the parents for not letting her to to some events with her friends. As a way to get back to her parents, she called child services and lied that her parents were abusing her. He girl did not know the seriousness of her action.

What she did put her parents through hell and the sad thing was even after she explained to child service that she lied about the whole thing, they did not believe her and continued to investigate.

Wow what a nightmare the parents went through.

So you parents out there, don't hit your kids, or you run the risk of loosing them.
ngan27 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2008, 07:54 PM   #5
SawBo
Junior Member
Points: 90, Level: 1 Points: 90, Level: 1 Points: 90, Level: 1
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Everett - South Seattle
Posts: 18
Send a message via AIM to SawBo Send a message via Yahoo to SawBo
Credits: 1,020
Default Re: Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting

Even if you do or don't hit your kids I believe the risk is always there, I'm not talking about hitting until they get bruises or anything, but from what I've seen and experienced is a lot of non abusive parents get spoiled or hard headed children. They don't understand what discipline is and when they ask for something they want but can't get, it lasts forever, they cry, plead, and beg all day/night and all the parents I've seen done is just sit there and say no. Eventually they give in, making the child own the adult.


This whole sit in the corner and timeout stuff I don't think will ever work, that's some elementary school punishment made for school. I still think you have to enforce yourself, a little slap on the wrist and the child will be like " Ow that hurt" and make them think twice before doing it again. Don't get me wrong, if and when I get kids I will love them to death, but I'm there to parent them for the future so they can grow up and understand what discipline is and the ways of the world. Maybe when they hit Middle/High school they'll get real discipline in circular activities, but when young it seems it's a You Run or get ran over kind of lifestyle.
SawBo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-29-2008, 06:26 AM   #6
vanbao
Member
Points: 1,029, Level: 17 Points: 1,029, Level: 17 Points: 1,029, Level: 17
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
 
vanbao's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Bothell, Washington
Posts: 72
Blog Entries: 1
Credits: 5,348
Default Re: Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting

Quote:
Originally Posted by SawBo View Post
Even if you do or don't hit your kids I believe the risk is always there, I'm not talking about hitting until they get bruises or anything, but from what I've seen and experienced is a lot of non abusive parents get spoiled or hard headed children. They don't understand what discipline is and when they ask for something they want but can't get, it lasts forever, they cry, plead, and beg all day/night and all the parents I've seen done is just sit there and say no. Eventually they give in, making the child own the adult.


This whole sit in the corner and timeout stuff I don't think will ever work, that's some elementary school punishment made for school. I still think you have to enforce yourself, a little slap on the wrist and the child will be like " Ow that hurt" and make them think twice before doing it again. Don't get me wrong, if and when I get kids I will love them to death, but I'm there to parent them for the future so they can grow up and understand what discipline is and the ways of the world. Maybe when they hit Middle/High school they'll get real discipline in circular activities, but when young it seems it's a You Run or get ran over kind of lifestyle.
I totally agree. Kids need discipline and if you are not tough on them, they will run your life.

Some people do abuse the kids. As I am sitting here writing this post, on TV, they are talking about child that was hit on the head and received brain damaged as a result.

So sad.
vanbao is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-29-2008, 12:56 PM   #7
tom
Junior Member
Points: 78, Level: 1 Points: 78, Level: 1 Points: 78, Level: 1
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 4
Credits: 408
Default Re: Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting

I know this very well first hand. I was babysitting my two grandsons but gotten too tough to handle both of them so the older one is at the daycare now. I’m still very tired at the end of the day even with just the younger one. And this is just for the day time not like for some parents – 24x7.
tom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-02-2008, 06:14 PM   #8
ngan27
Member
Points: 232, Level: 4 Points: 232, Level: 4 Points: 232, Level: 4
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
 
ngan27's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 40
Credits: 1,674
Default Re: Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting

Hi Tom,

Your grand kids are lucky to have their grandfather watching them. Not many grand kids have that luxury.

These days, it cost so much money to put kids in daycare. The cost for everything is going up and up but our wages are not.

Since you put one in the daycare, that will be less stress on you. But what I noticed is sometimes it can be easy having two. Becuase they have each other and they play with each other. When there is only one, they get bore and need a lot of attention from you.
ngan27 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:53 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBCredits v1.4 Copyright ©2007 - 2008, PixelFX Studios